


we were not

by softdante



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Texting, Twitter, enemies ish to friends ish to lovers, nobody is straight, theyre all stupid and thats valid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-05-20 12:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softdante/pseuds/softdante
Summary: Twitter AU where Agatha follows Baz and he makes his way to the groupchat.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i..this is one big shitpost in the guise of a fic  
> this chapter is so short the others will be longer i just wanted to set things up a bit anyway lets hope i dont abandon it like i did my last 2 text fics ok enjoy luvs x

**simon <3**

_@SIMONSNOW_

sun in gemini moon in capricorn mercury in absolute dumbass

 **112** Following  **2,798** Followers

 

**baz**

_@queerfuck_

heterosexuals dont interact. 19

 **70** Following  **4,284** Followers

 

**penny**

_@witchesclub_

hermione granger if jkrowling had been brave enough to make her brown

 **342** Following  **2,187** Followers

 

**agatha!**

_@diorlipgloss_

so, (pulls heart shaped lollipop out of my mouth with a pop) d'you have a dog or what?

 **89** Following  **3,924** Followers

 

  

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

planned an entire future for me n hot new oomf before i realized hes gay..absolute clownery luv

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀send him my way im lonely 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀we know baby we can all see ur 3am tweets

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

buy my silence permanently for only one boyfriend a month

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

simon expects us to believe hed ever shut the fuck up i have to laugh 

 

 **simon <3** _@SIMONSNOW_

funny how my friends are lit rally homophobic

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i think they hate me becuase im bi..

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon no :(( its for a bunch of other reasons

 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

the fuck..does my dad understand english

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀my dad: do you wanna come to the country club with us

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀me: no

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀my dad: okay be ready in 20 minutes 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

stop asking me if im rich do you think i could afford to look this good if i wasnt?? 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

the only good thing about this place is the fact that i can take mirror selfies anywhere i go 

_[ insert three photos ]_

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀damn what do they put in the food over there like..woah

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀zero seasoning thats for sure

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀FHFJF HE WENT OFF! 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

we.

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

the way agatha refuses to text me back when its literally a life or death situation

 

  

**direct messages: [ the three clowneteers ]**

 

**simon <3**

that heavenly eboy looking creature..

would smash

 

**penny**

why are u. the way that u are

 

**simon <3**

do u see his jawline 

thats why im the way i am

if only he wasnt so intimidatingly rude </3

 

**penny**

i want to go along with u but i have absolutely no idea what ur talking abt 

 

**simon <3**

_[ tweet ]_

 

**agatha!**

FHDJJF SIMON 

HEAVENLY EBOY LOOKIGN CREATURE..WE GET IT UR IN LOBE

 

**simon <3**

u know my type is soft angel not hot vampire

 

**agatha!**

yes im living proof

 

  

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

my dad asked me what grindr is and i said a food delivery app guess i need me some mcdonalds

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀do u think before u speak be honest

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thinking is for ugly people

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀fuck ur right..been wondering why ive never had a thought in my life

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

baz and i dont think because we dont speak ugly

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀only fluent in english and sexy! 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

why must redacted be so hot with the personality of all my arch enemies combined

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what enemies...yesterday u made friends with the person standing behind u at burger king

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the fuck let me try n convince people im a mysterious man with a bunch of ongoing rivalries

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀u have a literal heart in ur name

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀FJDFHH AND WHAT ABT IT! IM A SOFT MYSTERIOUS MAN 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

nobody: 

literally nobody:

penelope: fuck simon snow lives 

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

does @SIMONSNOW deserve rights? discuss. 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀fuck no! 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

need me some new friends (and a kith) 

_[ insert two photos ]_

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the way ur literally babey :’( 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i forgot how pretty u are sorry i was being rude king

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

oomf in law……how does it feel being the sun itself

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

inch rest ing

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀we staying: ~mute 

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

as usual i have to do all the work while stupid boys remain clueless

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀spill tea

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀shut it stupid boy

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀y..yes ma’am 

 

 

**direct messages: [ agatha! & baz ]**

 

**agatha!**

so.

 

**baz**

hello?

 

**agatha!**

_[ tweet ]_

i wonder..i wonder what this is abt

hm…

 

**baz**

why is nobody willing to let me be gay in peace

 

**agatha!**

nobody told u to court my best friend

 

**baz**

i would hardly call that courting

 

**agatha!**

call it what u want but scandalous is what it is

 

**baz**

let me breathe perhaps

all i did was call him cute

i think my little sister is cute too but it doesnt mean im not repulsed by her 

 

**agatha!**

thats not exactly how i remember it

i seem to recall u comparing him to the sun but 

 

**baz**

dont get too brave 

 

**agatha!**

follow him

 

**baz**

why..why would i do that

 

**agatha!**

because

_[ insert screenshot ]_

 

**baz**

eboy..im appalled 

not his TYPE?

what a little shit

 

**agatha!**

Follow Him. Be Gay. 

 

**baz**

only so i can be Intimidatingly Rude to him

 

**agatha!**

whateva x 

 

 

**direct messages: [ the three clowneteers ]**

 

**simon <3**

we.

_[ insert screenshot ]_

 

**agatha!**

oh??

follow him back dumbass

 

**simon <3 **

i...this is terrifying

 

**agatha!**

ur completing the mutual not saying i do

 

**simon <3 **

sippin my dumb bitch juice

 

**penny**

now i feel left out ill follow him

if he doesnt follow back ull both break the mutual right

 

**simon <3 **

yeah with u

dicks before chicks

 

_[ penny has left the three clowneteers ]_

 

_[ simon <3 added penny to the three clowneteers ] _

  

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

much 2 think abt..what is the universe trying to tell me

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀@diorlipgloss see..thinking IS for ugly people

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i cnst breathe weve been mutuals for like 3 mins let a fella breathe

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

oh jesus FUCK

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what goes on..is everybody on crack today

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penelope….my only true companion thru life..love u so much

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀weirdo...soft blocked ✓

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

imagine expressing your emotions properly that shits for (healthy) losers only!

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

goodnight to everybody except queerfuck<3 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thinking abt me before bed..thas a little gay luv x

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀fuck right off 

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

this is absolutely not going the way i intended it to


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while reading this please keep one thing in mind: I Am Stupid.

**direct messages: [ agatha! & baz ]**

 

**agatha!**

how are u at school

 

**baz**

what

 

**agatha!**

i mean do u like uni?? are u good at it???

 

**baz**

yes and yes why the fuck are you asking me

 

**agatha!**

i just wanted to check whether the issue was coming from me or u

when i said Be Gay.

i meant Flirt

Compliment

not...not this

not ANTAGONIZE

 

**baz**

i never said id do anything along the lines

i said id follow him and be rude

so i guess..the issue IS coming from you

 

**agatha!**

do u have to be so difficult

 

**baz**

yes i enjoy it

 

**agatha!**

just say u like him n go annoying ass bitch

 

**baz**

thats the grossest thing ive ever read

suddenly comparing a guy to the sun is gay? the fuck

how many times do i have to say no homo

 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

the worst decision i ever made was following agatha back she wont leave me alone

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀unfollow me bitch rid me of ur dumbass

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

its good to know that baz is an intolerable asshole to everyone n not just me

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀dont worry snow you KNOW i save the majority of it for you

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n what a lucky gal i am

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

pray for my fucking lungs i went to pick up simon and i found him sitting outside alone like an abandoned puppy

_[ insert two photos ]_

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀HE LOCKED HIMSELF OUT OF OUR APARTMENTJFJ

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀1 like = 1 prayer

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the fuck..how do i have -1 likes

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

im GAY! i like BOYS!

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

fucking bullied everywhere i go

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witches club_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀as u should be

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀as u should be

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀as you should be

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

funny how the rest of u are ugly and petty while i remain unbothered

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

were literally all clowns on this app who do yall think u are..snooze emoji

 

 **baz** _@deadqueer_

SIMONSNOW stop tweeting challenge you sound fucking stupid

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀because i fucking AM! and NOTHING about it

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

queerfuck stop replying to my tweets challenge

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Perish.

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the fact that you could block me and yet you choose not to..laughing out loud

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

should i mute both baz and simon? breathe for yes

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀lit rally my entire tl is just them being dumb bitches n arguing all day im over it

 

 

**direct messages: [ the three clowneteers ]**

 

**penny**

simon.

 

**simon <3 **

yes my bestest friend in the entire world

 

**penny**

swear to god if u dont shut the fuck up

 

**agatha!**

i nfant breathe

 

**simon <3**

WHAT DID I DO..

 

**penny**

IF U WANNA FIGHT BAZ DO IT THROUGH DMS

 

**simon <3**

i have to message him..vomit emoji

would honestly rather delete the app

 

**penny**

an even better solution

 

**agatha!**

PENELOEPFJ

 

**simon <3**

bold of u to assume he wouldnt block me as soon as he sees my name in his dms

 

**agatha!**

my mutuals enjoy giving me headaches confirmed

 

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

anyone whos mutuals with me simon penny AND baz im so sorry and u deserve a veterans discount

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀do Not include me in this

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the audacity of this mf..

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

did anyone say the prettiest girls to ever walk this planet

_[ insert photo ]_

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀too pretty to associate with you thats for sure

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀do yall see the way penelopes glowing..thats my girl

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon u really let that angel go..agatha date me instead!

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

wayment.

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

strapping my big red shoes on and securing my rainbow wig on my head to go to the circus because im officially a fucking clown

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀idk what this is about but its good that ur finally self aware

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀did god put you on this earth to test my fuckn patience..

 

 

**direct messages: [ agatha! & baz ]**

 

**agatha!**

hehe..

 

**baz**

no please let me get this Straight

you are……….trying to set me up with your ex

 

**agatha!**

yes

and what abt it

 

**baz**

no thank you luv x

 

**agatha!**

what do u mean no thank u

hey

if ur bitchass doesnt reply to me right this min..

are u a CHILD

not you ghosting me when im trying to find u love and happiness

ur not gonna like whats abt to happen but u forced my hand ;-;

 

 

**direct messages: [ the three clowneteers ]**

 

_[ agatha! added baz to the three clowneteers ]_

 

**penny**

agatha..we were JUST complaining abt the tl now u want them to spam our dms as well??

ur stupidity mightve just exceeded simons

 

**agatha!**

hes officially a clown so he belongs with us

 

**baz**

i ABSOLUTELY do not

 

_[ baz has left the three clowneteers ]_

 

_[ agatha! added baz to the three clowneteers ]_

 

**agatha!**

do not try me. i may look like an angel but i will wreck ur sorry ass

 

**simon <3 **

what the FUCK goes on.

when did we stoop so low

 

**agatha!**

when we decided to add u into the gc

 

**simon <3 **

it was me who added u but go off ig

in other news. Perish

 

**baz**

gladly

 

_[ baz has left the three clowneteers ]_

 

_[ agatha! added baz to the three clowneteers ]_

 

**baz**

theres only one solution.

 

**agatha!**

i agree

 

**simon <3**

me too

 

**penny**

yeah..i think we all know what needs to happen

 

**baz**

i have to deactivate my account

 

**agatha!**

we all need to get along

 

**simon <3 **

i shoot baz and end all our miseries

 

**penny**

remove both simon and baz

 

**agatha!**

…

we.

 

**penny**

lit rally am surrounded by gay idiots..

 

**simon <3 **

our name doesnt even work anymore

it was fhe only thing ive ever been proud of

 

_[ agatha! changed the group name to the four clowneteers ]_

 

**simon <3 **

vomit emoji

they were three not four

 

**penny**

actually

the original 1844 novel features four musketeers

dumas just fails to count d’artagnan in the title

 

**agatha!**

there we go

penelopes vast general knowledge to the rescue once again

 

**baz**

d’artagnan becomes a musketeer towards the end of the novel itd be a spoiler if he was included in the title

 

**penny**

i agree but no one these days has read the novel nd saying there are only three musketeers is a misconception

 

**simon <3 **

what the fuck is going on..

 

**agatha**

our baby penny is making friends!

 

**penny**

no

 

**baz**

no

 

**simon <3**

with my arch NEMESIS?

absolutely not

 

**baz**

on second thought maybe!

 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

not to be nsfw but i literally wanna strangle @queerfuck so bad

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀that seems to be the common trend among his mutuals lately

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀is it on me that youre jealous and homophobic..

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wait im not done talking to him abt the three musketeers strangle him when were done

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

penelope n baz being nerds together might strangely be the cutest thing ive seen all week

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀delete this immediately or my lawyers will be in contact

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀lets go baby i know the law

 

 

**direct messages: [ the four clowneteers ]**

 

**agatha!**

whats popping lgbts

 

**simon <3 **

would u guys support me if i started a minecraft gaming channel on youtube

 

**penny**

no

 

**baz**

no

 

**agatha!**

im good luv x

 

**simon <3**

the way i literally dont have any real friends

 

**baz**

acting the way you do?? you dont even deserve fake friends

 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

@TwitterSupport id like to report @queerfuck for being annoying and evil

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

if simon doesnt tweet abt how annoying baz is at least once every 10 mins know that hes either been murdered or kidnapped

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i literally live with him and u BEST believe hes yelling irl too

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀lit rally am so powerful

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

im over here doing the absolute bare minimum and still managing to enrage snow name one person more naturally talented than me

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀so sad how ur so proud abt being fucking annoying..its clear to see ur good at nothing else

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀oh im good at plenty

 

 

**direct messages: [ agatha! & baz ]**

 

**agatha!**

i genuinely have no idea whether u guys are flirting or trying to kill each other

 

**baz**

i dont know what you thought was gonna come out of this but i despise him

 

**agatha!**

rivalries are gay!

 

**baz**

find someone who im not repulsed by then maybe we can talk more

 

**agatha!**

there r only so many boys who resemble the sun :/

 

**baz**

LET IT GO

 

**agatha!**

laughing out loud

dont count on it luv x

 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

i want to hold hands with someone..these r my 2am thoughts

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

a significant other who will let me hold their hand without doing anything else. i would like to see it

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

a fucking peaceful night in this godforsaken apartment with my godforsaken roommate. i would like to see it

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀youre a fucking warrior btw

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀DONT LET HER FOOL U SHE SOUNDS ALL ANNOYED AND COOL ON TWT BUT SHES JUST AS AWFUL AS I AM

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

me: annoying on twt

penelope: annoying irl

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha: lovely everywhere

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀laughing emoji

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz: godawful everywhere

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀RT!

 

 

**direct messages: [ the four clowneteers ]**

 

**agatha!**

feeling: bored

 

 **simon** <3

feeling: lonely

 

**penny**

feeling: shut UP im trying to read

 

**baz**

what are you reading

 

**penny**

a short history of nearly everything!!! have u read it

 

**baz**

no not yet

i just dont understand why id read a little bit about everything when i could read everything about everything

 

**penny**

that would take so long tho

at least ud know some general information for the time being

 

**agatha!**

im sorry would u like me and simon to give u guys some privacy

 

**baz**

yes id appreciate it if snow could leave

 

**simon <3 **

this entitled asshole..

u know saying my actual name doesnt burn right

 

**baz**

im only on a first name basis with people i like :/

 

**simon <3 **

i knew i shouldnt have included my last name in my @

 

**agatha!**

aw baz u like me?? :’)

 

**baz**

absolutely not i just dont know your last name

 

**agatha!**

we r friends! <3

 

**baz**

what the actual fuck is wrong with everybody in this gc

this is where i say goodnight

 

**penny**

goodnight maybe simon will finally give it a rest n sleep too

 

**simon <3**

dont count on it luv x

 

**agatha!**

gnnniiiiigghhhhtttt

 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

Oh lord. Again. Afuckinggain. Nothing new, nothing changed. Same old shit. Same old fucking shit.

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀saw a pretty boy and my first instinct was to roll my eyes at him. inch rest ing how im literally gonna be alone for the rest of my life

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀laughing emoji

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i see a pattern luv!

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀close your eyes then..

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

what if… my sim proposed going steady… with ur sim.. aha ha, just kidding.. unless..?

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i actually cannot stand you

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀take a seat then luv x

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

nobody:

literally nobody:

twitter users SIMONSNOW and diorlipgloss: luv x

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ok and

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what abt it!

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

this is the fifth morning ive woken up to find simon glued to his phone..heartbreaking...this generation..

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

me: simon the kitchen is on fire

simon: wayment baz just called me ugly and annoying

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀can u tell he has an issue with hyperfixation

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀delete those tweets immediately or ill take ur name off the lease

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

on god??

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

im going to sleep

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀isnt it 3pm

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Im Going To Sleep.

  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, shaping agatha into my dream girl because she had no personality in carry on and making baz and agatha best friends: its my fic and ill do as i please

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

sitting at the dinner table talking to my dad abt girls and when im gonna date one yeah i guess you could say im an actor

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀him: so baz..any girls i should know about?

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀me: Yes. i saw one today! 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the chaotic gay that u are today..im proud of u

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i am a distinguished gay. 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorligloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀oh baby…

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny!** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀oh baby………….

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀oh BABY……………….

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

i fucking hate my mutuals send tweet 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀when he sweet talks u! <3_<3 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im this close to hiring a hitman to take you out

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀are we talking like...like death or a date?? need to dress for the occasion 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀no amount of money could ever get anyone to date you

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

rt if you want simon to shut the fuck up

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀why did agatha and penelope rt this….

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀FHHFHF FUCK OFF WHY DOES THAT HAVE 43 RTS ALREADY

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

rt if you want simon and baz to shut the fuck up

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀or at LEAST take it to the dms were fucking tired 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀MY LUNGS……86 RTS IM LOSING IT 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀yeah keep laughing..keep laughing

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀why am i actually terrified 

 

**simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

me any time anyone is mean to me: i think its because im bisexual 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀me any time anyone is mean to me: i think its because im brown 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀me any time anyone is mean to me: i think its because im pretty

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀from one 10 to another, youre right 

 

**penny** _ @witchesclub _

i started a petition to disallow agatha and baz to interact. please help our cause

_ [ insert link ] _

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀IM CAKCLLINGNFFFF 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀id fuckinf die for u. SIGNED 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀this shouldve been for simon n baz but alright. i see how it is 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀signed. im sick of her

 

**simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

BAZ????;&:$-@::$/&

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀this is the funniest thing to ever happen on twitter dot com i cnat do this anymore 

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

hitlist: 

queerfuck

SIMONSNOW

witchesclub

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ill burn u all alive like the last bitch who crossed me

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

ive never seen simon laugh so much im alarmed

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀all jokes stop until hes composed himself and im sure he wont thrash around and accidentally break something

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀damn…..u break one thing once and ur best friend wont let u forget it 

 

 

**direct messages: [ the four clowneteers ]**

 

_ [ agatha! changed the four clowneteers to HITLIST ] _

 

**simon <3**

hey. 

no 

not cool

 

**agatha!**

do NOT start with me abt whats cool and whats not

 

**simon <3**

you penelope n i are and baz isnt

 

**baz**

do you not think its weird that you manage to turn every conversation abt me

 

**penny**

THANK U

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY

 

**simon <3**

WH

FHJFJFJF WHAT THE FUCK..

 

**penny**

im fucking sorry simon but its enough

im exhausted

can yall get into a fist fight or smthn n get it OVER with

 

**agatha!**

loving the turn this conversation has taken

go off penelope 

 

**baz**

this is a little sad to watch 

f

 

**agatha!**

f

 

**penny**

f

 

**simon <3**

ur a little sad to watch

jackass

 

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

simon n penelope r literally..the WEIRDEST most CHAOTIC duo ive ever met

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the things i hear when im over at their apartment...i feel like im in the middle of a fever dream

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

simon: lets spend 24 hours in target

penelope: absolutely not

me internally: thank god

penelope: walmart has a lot less security and more places to hide 

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

their entire dynamic is basically simon suggesting stupid crazy plans and penelope switching up a few details to make the plan workable

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

ive heard at least 6 future plans that involve simon n penny putting their lives at risk

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what the fuck are you doing tweeting? go encourage them

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

simon before and after i told him to say hi to baz

_ [ insert two photos ]  _

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀cannot breahre..he rly went from :3 to >:( in 0.2 seconds

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀tell him he looks stupid

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

baz: tell simon he looks stupid

me: simon baz says you look pretty

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what the FUCK do you think youre doing 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀dont worry i tried to incite peace but all he did was laugh in my face

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

penelope before and after i told her to say hi to baz 

_ [ insert two photos ] _

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀shes not even looking at the camera

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀yeah she doesnt give a fuck

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

me before and after i told myself to say hi to baz 

_ [ insert two photos ] _

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀dont use me as an excuse to post selfies

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

these past 2 days have been .. unnerving im taking a nap

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀is this how you deal with all your problems 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thats ridiculous i dont deal with my problems

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀please dont sleep no one else is talking to me im sad

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀you have 2 clowns with you put them to good use

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀clown #1 is reading clown #2 has spent the past 30 minutes trying to get to the next level of helix jump...hes on level 7 baz 

 

**simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

agatha what the fuck..its a hard game

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀its for kids 12 and up

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀you are up. 

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

why are agatha and snow tweeting at each other while theyre in the same room can we never catch a break

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀please forgive us sir the group dynamic isnt the same without u 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀youre soANNOYING!!!!!!

 

**simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

why wont baz mind his own business can i never catch a break

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀no.

 

 

**direct messages: [ simon <3 & baz ]**

 

**simon <3**

hey hottie!

 

**baz**

i

im sorry?

 

**simon <3 **

d’you come here often??

 

**baz**

give him his phone back

 

**simon <3 **

youre no fun

 

**baz**

agatha.

 

**simon <3 **

FINE

 

**baz**

dumbass

 

**simon <3**

i have to deactivate my account and make a new one

i cant have these messages on my phone

i cant do this

 

**baz**

do you like being dramatic

deactivate your account and dont make a new one 

 

**simon <3**

wait. howd you know it was agatha

 

**baz**

i dont think youd jump into my dms and call me a hottie

 

**simon <3**

i call my friends hotties all the time

 

**baz**

call me your friend again ill literally hard block you

 

**simon <3 **

im sick of u

SICK of U

 

 

**direct messages: [ HITLIST ]**

 

**agatha!**

simon nnnnnnnn

i think i left my airpods in ur room 

 

**simon <3**

yeah u did

_ [ insert photo ] _

 

**agatha!**

FHFJ SIMON

REMOVE MY BABIES FROM UR BROKE ASS EARS

 

**penny**

im sick of him

he wont stop calling himself rich

 

**simon <3 **

because i literally am

dont u see rhe airpods in my ears 

 

**penny**

say that to the 13 euros in your bank account

 

**simon <3 **

they hate me cuz they aint me :/

 

**baz**

i have a theory

 

**agatha!**

idk what it is but i agree 

 

**baz**

snow likes being called stupid 

why else would anyone act like this

 

**simon <3 **

believe me its not by choice 

 

**agatha!**

i think baz is right

 

**simon <3 **

u always think baz is right

 

**baz**

because im always right

 

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

no thoughts head empty 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀identity theft is not a joke baz millions of families suffer every year 

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

i just want to understand

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what am i doing or saying thats making snow think i want to interact with him in any way like am i sending mixed signals have i been subconsciously encouraging him in some way 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im sick of u 2.0 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im sick of him too simon

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im with u guys 

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

the Dumb Fucks: add me to their gc without my consent, wont let me leave, spam my notifications all day, indirect me every other tweet

also the Dumb Fucks: poo poo pee pee we hate baz

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfucks _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀call me a psychic but i dont see acting in their future

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀FHHFPLEASE WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY

 

 

**direct messages: [ agatha! & baz ] **

 

**agatha!**

im sick of u

 

**baz**

so ive heard 

whatd i do this time 

enlighten me

 

**agatha!**

my plan to get u a boyfriend isnt working and its someones fault

i dont think its mine

and i dont think its simons given he has no idea whats happening

who do u think that leaves

 

**baz**

god? 

im not religious but i dont think you should go around blaming god for your problems

 

**agatha!**

YOU

 

**baz**

IVE TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES I WILL NOT BE A PART OF THIS SO IT CANT BE MY FAULT

what part of i dont like him dont you understand

 

**agatha!**

the dont part 

but if u insist ill leave it alone

we dont force our friends to talk abt their feelings in 2019

 

**baz**

what is it with you guys calling me your friend today have i not made it clear that i can barely tolerate any of you

 

**agatha!**

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

 

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

if agatha ever tries to be nice and have a heart to heart with me again ill literally block her this has been a warning not only for her but for everyone else as well

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀id hardly call me calling ur bullshit a heart to heart but go off i guess?    
  


 

 

**direct messages: [ simon <3 & baz ]**

 

**simon <3**

i hear ur giving out heart to hearts! 

i just feel so small sometimes u know? 

 

**baz**

ill kill you

 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

@diorlipgloss do you see what you’ve done. do you fucking see what you’ve done

_ [ insert screenshot ]  _

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀omg i told u that in confidence what are u doing 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i love being an influencer

 

**baz** _ @queerfuck _

the trio ranked from least to most annoying:

penelope

agatha

the third one

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im gonna start a list of everything u call me in place of my name 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i dont have time for these shenanigans 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penelope really looked all of us in the eye and said shut the fuck up huh

 

**simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

love u penny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _ @witchesclub _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀dont make me soft on the tl thats gross

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _ @SIMONSNOW _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀:D :D <3 <3 <3 <3 :* :* :* :* 

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

get a room freaks

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _ @queerfuck _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀right..vomit emoji

 

 

**direct messages: [ HITLIST ]**

 

**penny**

baz where do u live

 

**baz**

woah..look i know weve had our issues

but its all twitter feud theres no need for physical violence

 

**penny**

first of all i wouldnt waste my time nor my money on ur dumbass

second of all im 5’0 what exactly are u afraid of

 

**baz**

5’0 i have to laugh 

hows everything down there

 

**penny**

on second thought.

maybe i WOULD waste my time and money just to strangle u

 

**baz**

bring a stool with you so you can reach my neck

 

**penny**

TALL PEOPLE SHOULD GO EXTINCT!!!!!!!

EXTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!

save the turtles execute the giants

 

**agatha!**

how tall are u baz 

 

**baz**

not sure

maybe 6’0 or smthn

 

**agatha!**

are u lying to flex on penny

 

**baz**

thats the dumbest thing ive heard all week

and ive been speaking to snow

involuntarily may i add 

 

**penny**

i wont believe it till i see a pic of u next to a height meter

 

**baz**

thats the second dumbest thing ive heard

why would i do that

 

**simon <3**

yes dont do it

 

**agatha!**

poor simon..its ok if hes taller than u baby 

youre the tallest boy in my heart!

 

**simon <3**

shut up.

 

**baz**

oh?

okay ill do it wait

 

**simon <3**

i HATE u

ur so annoying

guess ill just die then

 

**baz**

_ [ insert photo ] _

 

**penny**

okay asshole

no need to look so smug

 

**simon <3**

photoshopped

 

**agatha!**

6’1 ……. be my common law husband

 

**baz**

im gay

 

**agatha!**

u dumb bitch do u know what common law means 

anyway i like being 5’5 

that way i could get a cute short gf or a cute giant gf 

….or a bf i guess but he better truly wow me 

 

**simon <3**

guys are so disappointing

 

**agatha!**

please..i know

me n u on the path to finding gfs!

 

**simon <3**

bi solidarity! 

 

**agatha!**

ex solidarity! 

 

**penny**

its fine that im the shortest because i have the biggest brain and thats all that matters

 

**baz**

im the tallest AND i have the biggest brain

 

**simon <3**

fight!

 

**baz**

shut up youre short and you have a tiny brain

 

**simon <3**

i am not short!!!!!!!!

 

**baz**

laughing emoji

 

**penny**

the fact that simon immediately defended his height but said nothing abt having a small brain

at least hes self aware

 

**simon <3**

FHHFJFJ

 

**agatha!**

to be fair 5’10 is a good height too

 

**simon <3 **

thank u 

 

**penny**

anyway. as i was saying

baz do u live in london

 

**baz**

what

are you..are you stalking me

 

**penny**

aha! i knew it

 

**agatha!**

HFJFJF FBBAZ???????

LETS GO OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!!!

 

**simon <3**

penelope lets move IMMEDIATELY

 

**baz**

i didnt even answer

why are you guys like this

 

**agatha!**

its a yes isnt it

before i get too excited

 

**baz**

i mean..yeah

ive been in hampshire for the past month but i live in london most of the year

for uni

 

**penny**

ugh my mind

i KNEW u were in the same timezone as us

 

**agatha!**

BAZ!!!! stop im so excited

do u wanna go to brunch

or do u prefer dinner

we can go to the movies

 

**baz**

im flattered really but i like boys

 

**agatha!**

oh no worries simon will be there too

 

**baz**

gross

 

**simon <3 **

gross

but also maybe we can finally get to it

 

**baz**

what

get to..get to what

 

**simon <3**

our long awaited brawl! 

 

**baz**

dont do that to yourself 

anyway sorry agatha i dont go back for another two weeks

 

**simon <3**

hey

i can hold my ground

 

**baz**

if you insist 

 

**agatha!**

:( ok dm me when u get back well make plans!!!! 

 

**penny**

yes!!!!!!!!!

if ur well behaved well invite u over 

 

**baz**

highly unlikely if snow is there

 

**simon <3 **

penny?????? to our place of LIVING???

 

**agatha!**

shut up simon i know ur excited too

 

**simon <3**

maybe a little

 

**penny**

a truce!

 

**baz**

okay

 

 

**direct messages: [ agatha! & baz ]**

 

**agatha!**

hehe

 

**baz**

one more word and i block you

no brunch no dinner no movie

 

**agatha!**

how will u get ur date with simon then :/

 

_ [ You can no longer send Direct Messages to this person. Learn more ] _

 

 

**agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

when u spill so much tea u end up getting urself blocked 

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _ @diorlipgloss _

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the way im sacrificing myself for the greater good..a saint! 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so late .... and so short ...... and it is garbage..  
> thats all thank you for coming

**penny** _@witchesclub_

every time i go visit my parents its worse than before

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀my house is a literal circus

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀it is. i can confirm

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

me, entering the house: hey guys!

the house: on fire

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

im not kidding. theres a small fire in the kitchen my older brother is attempting to impress a girl by cooking her a meal

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀HE CAN BARELY MAKE CEREAL. WHAT IS HE DOING. NOBODY IN THIS FAMILY KNOWS HOW TO COOK

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

i entered my younger siblings’ room n found them playing ouija in their underwear. needless to say i exited pretty fast

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i dont get it do they think were white or smthn

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

my parents..nowhere to be found

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀should i search for them in the living room? they could be trapped under all the mess

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i cannot see the floor. send help

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

penelope are you .. good

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀fuck no

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

my favorite thing ever is when penelope goes home like the amount of CONTENT i get..whew thanks

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀finally some good food

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i bet thats what pennys older brother and his girl were thinking when they entered the kitchen

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀little did they fucking know! 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

so this is normal??

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀oh absolutely not

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thank god 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀yeah things are so tame today theyve really toned it down since last time

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀do you have no sympathy for your friend..rescue her

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀dont let her fool u penelopes the most chaotic family member 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

so penelope goes home and gets a live comedy movie and all i get is my dad asking me about relationships and my stupid baby sisters making stupid baby noises? homophobic

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ur right its so gross..come back to london no babies allowed here 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon u live here tho?? 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha stop im trying to trick him

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i can read

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wh..u shouldve told me that before 

 

 

**direct messages: [ HITLIST ]**

 

**agatha!**

should i like .. get bangs

 

**simon <3 **

its 3am

 

**baz**

its three in the morning

 

**agatha!**

wh..why are you guys awake

i was hoping no one would reply

then i could do it and then when yelled at for making rash decisions say that i tried to ask for opinions first

 

**baz**

just make bad choices and call yourself a clown like the rest of us

 

**simon <3**

yeah

life gets much easier when u accept the fact that ur dumb as fuck and have a grand total of half a brain cell

 

**agatha!**

dont be stupid

all 4 of us share one (1) brain cell

penelope currently has it

would love to have it someday

 

**baz**

excuse me? penelope? 

just the other day she tweeted asking the ratio of butter to peanuts in peanut butter

 

**agatha!**

ok and?

i didnt say it was a functioning brain cell

 

**baz**

give me the brain cell i deserve it

 

**simon <3 **

u JUST called urself a clown

 

**baz**

i was trying to make the dumbass who wants to cut herself bangs at 3am feel better

im einstein reincarnated

every scientist in the world wants what i have 

 

**simon <3 **

what u have is a brain cell that u share with three other people sit down

 

**agatha!**

SO SHOULD I DO IT

 

**simon <3**

NO

 

**baz**

no

 

**agatha!**

if my baby penny was awake shed support me

 

**penny**

no i wouldnt

 

**simon <3 **

one of us: abt to do something dumb

penelope, the holder of the brain cell, waking up in a cold sweat: somethings wrong

 

**penny**

thats literally it

 

**agatha!**

fuck u guys

the only support n validation i need are my own 

 

**baz**

you know what

do it 

if it turns out okay then it turns out okay

if it doesnt at least i get a good laugh before i sleep 

 

**agatha!**

thank u baz 

ur an asshole but i love it

brb! 

 

**penny**

agathas really gonna cut her own bangs at 3am huh like this is really happening

 

**agatha!**

hey

dont judge me for the way i live my life and i wont judge u for the way u live urs

 

**penny**

ive never made a bad decision in my life

 

**simon <3 **

penelope you are simultaneously the smartest and dumbest person i know 

like so wise and intelligent but .. absolutely 0 common sense

 

**penny**

i have the most common sense ever

 

**simon <3 **

just the other day i saw u dancing in the kitchen with a knife in ur hand

 

**penny**

FUCK U

what was i supposed to do? NOT dance when bad as the boys by tove lo came on? im not a homophobe 

 

**simon <3 **

idk maybe put the knife down

 

**penny**

if i die listening to a sapphic anthem then so be it. 

sappho wouldve supported my choices

 

**baz**

more reasons i deserve the brain cell

 

**simon <3**

u shut up too 

i havent forgotten abt u rolling ur eyes at that one pretty boy 

 

**baz**

okay no need to bring up past mistakes were all better than that

 

**agatha!**

huh. 

 

**simon <3 **

im scared

what does that mean

 

**baz**

am i laughing or am i not laughing agatha

 

**agatha!**

h..huh 

 

**penny**

PLEASE 

 

**agatha!**

i cnat breahre

is it supposed to look like this 

 

**simon <3**

FHFHFJ AGATHA WHAT DID U DO

 

**agatha!**

let me google it

 

**baz**

this is so entertaining

i mean concerning

im concerned

 

**simon <3**

why do u wanna laugh at agatha

 

**baz**

i never said that

 

**simon <3**

we have u on tape

 

**baz**

agatha is my friend 

 

**agatha!**

FHFFJFJFF

U GUYS R SO ANNOYING

okay wait 

im supposed to cut upwards to make it look ~nice

 

**penny**

please send pics my heart is racing

 

**agatha!**

OK! ok i think 

i think i fixed it

it looks..ok

my mind!

 

**simon <3 **

pics

 

**agatha!**

_[ insert two photos ]_

 

**simon <3 **

ahuh. i knew it 

an angel! i KNEW it

i love them

maybe i should support ur bad ideas from now on

 

**penny**

next lets give u a bob

i love this but lets take it to the next level

 

**agatha!**

I...I THINK IM GOOD THANK U

thanks guys<3

 

**baz**

huh

no laughter for me today :/

goodnight ill come back tomorrow 

 

**agatha!**

:’) 

 

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

wayment .. baz can u drive

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀????yes?

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀do u have a car

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀...i..yes?

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

PENELOPE SIMON WERE SAVED!!!!! NO MORE UBER!!! 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀god..baz really is a blessing disguised as a very very hideous annoying curse huh

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀first of all bold of u to assume id let any of u inside my car let alone give u rides

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀fuck simon dont piss him off we cant afford uber anymore and uni starts in a month

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

baz you look very nice today

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wh..gross

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wow...youre so eloquent ive never met anyone this smart

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀stop it

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀u have nice hair

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀jesus fuck please stop im gonna vomit

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i enjoy talking to you

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀oh my god okay fine just. Enough

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

what did i just walk into

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon broke baz 

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

what the fuck u guys i have a car AND i know how to drive?

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im sorry but u call that driving?

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀so brave of u to blatantly disrespect me like this when i could fuck u up

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀s..sorry 

 

 

**direct messages: [ HITLIST ]**

 

**simon <3**

so baz

next month theres this movie coming out 

 

**baz**

o..kay and what abt it

 

**simon <3 **

could u drive me

 

**baz**

i hate you so much

 

**simon <3 **

is that a no

 

**baz**

choke.

 

**simon <3**

im not into that

 

_[ baz has let HITLIST ]_

_[ penny has left HITLIST ]_

 

**simon <3 **

what

was it something i said

 

_[ agatha! has left HITLIST ]_

 

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

my friends want me dead :/

_[ insert screenshot ]_

**⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀yeah

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀yeah

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀yeah

 

 **simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

i have one hobby and its annoying baz

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀youre a fucking disease 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀guys i did it again! hehe

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the rats running around europe in the 1300s have nothing on you 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀flirt in the dms ur mutuals got bored 4 insults ago

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀[ close. ]

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀this is what u think flirting is .. could be why ur still single

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀UR SICK DO NOT BRING MY LONELINESS INTO THIS

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

simon telling ME that EYE dont know what flirting is i have to fucking laugh

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀whats that supposed to mean.

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀just last month the girl working at that one cafe asked if you wanted to grab lunch and you said no thanks i just came for a quick coffee

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀???? whats that have to do with anything the sandwiches they had didnt look appetizing

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀WITH HER U STUPDI IDIOT DUMBASS SHE WANTED TO KNWO IF YOUD GRAB LUNCH WITH HER

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀WHAT

 

 **agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

thank u god for giving me the patience of a saint

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and the nosiness to match

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

god yall r so annoying i cannot stand gay people

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀homophobe :/

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀im literally homophobic now look what youve done

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀agatha!** _@diorlipgloss_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀y..youre literally gay

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀penny** _@witchesclub_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and what abt it

 

 **penny** _@witchesclub_

u CAN be gay and homophobic! anyone who says otherwise is an invalid 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀youre fucking right 

 

 **baz** _@queerfuck_

gay people i do not respect: 

agatha

twitter user simonsnow

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀simon <3 ** _@SIMONSNOW_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀just say simon. just SAY SIMON 

 **⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀baz** _@queerfuck_

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i just started uni and im getting my ass BEAT! honestly wouldve abandoned the fic completely if it werent for the comments u guys r so nice n i would die for u :')
> 
> i..am not comfortable giving out my @ but comment ur twt users maybe we can b mutuals!!


End file.
